Wow... why do I make to-do lists if I can never get them done!!

I am really not doing well financially right now. I am not making enough to pay my bills. hopefully next month my bill to BB will go back down to 11$. then i think i would be ok. I need to make some phone calls tomorrow though. i need to call the lawfirm representing WM and tell them that i am not going to be able to make my payment on time, and that it's comming but it is going to be a little late. I also need to send in my bb payment. I can't believe i forgot again to return the movies! i am going to have to ask my mom to do it or something. i am not going to have time to return them tomorrow, and i have orientation on tuesday. god i can't wait for my student loan money to come through. i am can't spend that much of it, cuz i need it to pay for summer classes. but yeah, it will help TREMENDOUSLY with my stress level, cuz i can pay all my bills!!

A and i really need to work on saving our money though. like on Friday night we didn't end up going to the movie, but we still both spent like 20$ for a night in with rented movies. we could have saved that movie and spend half that much. idk it just seems like we will never get an apartment together. We are always talking about it but we can never seem to save any money. So its like it will never happen. I have been wanting my own place ever since I moved back from indiana. I knew N was a dead end road in my heart, but i think that i was afraid to be lonely. but i felt so trapped and almost oppressed when i was with him. i was also in a dazed stupor the whole time cuz i was fucked up all the time.

i feel like i can never get all the things that i want done in a day. i make all these plans for things that i need to do, and although i do get (sometimes) most of the things on my list done, i can never seem to get all of them done. maybe its the same principal with wilpf, that we always think we can do more than we can actually do. if only i didn't need to sleep

So I got into a huge fight with A last night. I thought that I was going to loose him. I was so scared, I had a panic attack. It was crazy. I really don't want to be without him. He is such an amazing man, not to mention a wonderful father. I feel so lucky to have him in my life, and I'm not ready to go through my days without him. AGHH sometimes men can bring you so much joy and happiness, but sometimes so much pain.
But I do really love him. I'm not sure if that is even the word for what I feel for him. It is more than that, but he is right that last night i should have just done what he asked me to do and go to that movie. He had such a bad day, and i just made it worse.
We got to the movie theatre and he didn't like what i was wearing, i was really embarrassed by the way he was looking at me and by what he was saying so i told him that i wore that to see what he would say. idk i just said it because i was so embarrassed. turned out to totally come back and bite me in the ass.
He got REALLY mad when i told him that i wore that outfit to see what he would say, and wanted me to take him home. i was not expecting that reaction at all. He has always told me that when he is done with a relationship he says "peace" and never looks back. So last night i drove him home, and i parked in the lot. i was crying of course! but i was pretty much begging him not to leave me. it took me more than a half hour to convince him to give me another chance. But i couldn't believe that he would be so quick to just throw away everything that we have built together. I was astounded. I knew that me looking cute was important to him, but to break up with me because i was wearing something that he didn't like?? to be honest i think that it was more about the principal rather than the reality. He does so much for me, and he had a HORRIBLE day dealing with a's mom. I really fucked up and didn't help but made it worse. I know that and i feel really bad about it.
but yeah, after begging him to not leave me and to give me a chance to show him that i can do things for him too, he said in a really quiet voice, "you got your chance". I WAS SO HAPPY! he has told me so many times that if he ever says that its over, there is nothing that i could say or do to get him back. he said it was over like 20 times last night , but we are still together today!!!!!! i feel like i have won!!! ha ha ha. so after i got my chance =) we went to blockbuster and rented a bunch of movies and just had a movie night at home. I felt really emotionally drained though. i poured my heart out. lol in the car before he forgave me i kept getting rejected. I kept telling him that i wanted him in my life and that i couldn't let him walk out of my life. but he just kept saying like, well i don't want you, and sorry but no and shit along those lines... but I WON lol. its not a matter of winner or loser individually. love won


Moving on to something totally different...
in the history of our country, our system of government(and the government itself) conducted a genocide of the indigenous people who first lived here, enslaved a race of people, and undertaken countless other horrific actions against its own people as well as people abroad. Even though I am SOOO skeptical of governments all over the world, especially this one, I am glad of the things that our new president has already done. He has signed an order to shut down Guantanamo Bay and all other CIA prisons worldwide! Hell yeah! I'm impressed that on his first day he has already taken a huge step to making our world/country a better place and safer as well.
Also,
He has signed an executive order that taxpayer money can fund sex education programs that talk about abortion!! Big step for the next generation of young women!

#1... hopefully not the last!

So this is the first blog that I have ever done. As a matter of fact, this is my very first post. Not quite sure what to write about right now.