So i let A borrow my computer again today. he promised that he would bring it to me at 11 before i had class. so of course i waited until like the minute that my class started to leave, and he called me in the middle of my class to see "what was up". i asked him where he was, and he said in a voice like i shouldn't even have to ask, I was with my mom at the tax place. I don't think that I'm in any way more important than his mom, but when he is borrowing my computer, and he tells me that he is going to meet me at a certain place at a certain time, i expect him to be there unless he calls, which he didn't. And then when i asked him about it he acted mad that i would even have to ask...
I had an interesting night with D tonight. He was in a really bad mood and didn't want to do anything. but oh well his mom let me go home like 15 min early today. I was supposed to meet A in Mars Cafe like right when i got off work. So he called me at 530 like he said that he would, from Ab's phone. He was over at his house. So like i said he was supposed to meet me at like 530-545. I got there at like 540, A didn't show up until almost 630... he always bitches at me for waiting until the last possible minute to like get ready for stuff, but he is always late! idk if it is that he is always late when it has to do with me, or if he is just late in general.
he is sitting across the table from me right now, and i was just helping him with his paper. i don't care if he is late sometimes, the time that i spend with him is for sure worth the time that i have to wait to see him. gotta go!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
More Funk the War
yay!!!
Funk the war might be nice and happy but there is a bunch of direct action going on in DC March 19-21 and i could possibly stay with LF during! she is moving out this week!!
exciting
Funk the war might be nice and happy but there is a bunch of direct action going on in DC March 19-21 and i could possibly stay with LF during! she is moving out this week!!
exciting
Ok maybe i over reacted a little...
So A never called me last night, but he did eventually come over al like 11. i waited for him at Mars Cafe for like and hour and a half but he never showed up. I told him how i felt about what happened last night. He understood. I don't know why but i still feel uneasy about it. I just flat out don't want him to be in her vicinity! but the shitty thing is that that is a hopeless request. I need to get over it. He loves me and this is the healthiest relationship that i have ever been in, the only problem is that immature little girl that he had a child with.
So i went to my local business branch meeting on Monday.
I don't understand why those passionate amazingly wonderful women get so caught up in the bureaucratic bullshit that is expected of this organization. With all the shit that is going on in the world, we are focusing on how much money we should spend on cards and flowers for special events in members lives!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
i really really really really hope that my loan comes next week. But as long as i have A to help me out until i get paid on Friday. I should be ok. He filled up my tank today so i should be alright. I am sooo hungry though! And i don't know when i am going to have time to eat anything. I have about an hour between when i get out of class and when i need to go to work. i really hope that i have time to get something to eat. k
I was so jealous last night. Not in the way that i was mad, but that i was just deeply sad and hurt. I mean not to keep saying the same thing, but the fact is that he HAS to have a relationship with another woman for the rest of his life!! that is kinda a big deal. Maybe just to me. And i guess also the problem with this is that he is so damn young. he isn't even 21 yet. I had always dreamed that i would be married and have my first child with a man who could share the experience of having a first child with me. If i were to marry A (in all honesty could be a definate possibility) and the point came that we were ready to have a child, he would already have a 2-3 or four year old. Its just not how i imagined my life. but i guess plans have to change. and they are not always not right.
i think i am really stressing out too much about this.
i wish i could just not care, and not think about these things.
You know what i really wish?? (i almost don't want to say it cuz i love aj)
But i really wish that A would never have had a child.
God sometimes when he talks about her it just makes me want to cry. like when he talks about his experiences with her and with her being pregnant. It makes me sick to my stomach.
FUCK
So i went to my local business branch meeting on Monday.
I don't understand why those passionate amazingly wonderful women get so caught up in the bureaucratic bullshit that is expected of this organization. With all the shit that is going on in the world, we are focusing on how much money we should spend on cards and flowers for special events in members lives!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
i really really really really hope that my loan comes next week. But as long as i have A to help me out until i get paid on Friday. I should be ok. He filled up my tank today so i should be alright. I am sooo hungry though! And i don't know when i am going to have time to eat anything. I have about an hour between when i get out of class and when i need to go to work. i really hope that i have time to get something to eat. k
I was so jealous last night. Not in the way that i was mad, but that i was just deeply sad and hurt. I mean not to keep saying the same thing, but the fact is that he HAS to have a relationship with another woman for the rest of his life!! that is kinda a big deal. Maybe just to me. And i guess also the problem with this is that he is so damn young. he isn't even 21 yet. I had always dreamed that i would be married and have my first child with a man who could share the experience of having a first child with me. If i were to marry A (in all honesty could be a definate possibility) and the point came that we were ready to have a child, he would already have a 2-3 or four year old. Its just not how i imagined my life. but i guess plans have to change. and they are not always not right.
i think i am really stressing out too much about this.
i wish i could just not care, and not think about these things.
You know what i really wish?? (i almost don't want to say it cuz i love aj)
But i really wish that A would never have had a child.
God sometimes when he talks about her it just makes me want to cry. like when he talks about his experiences with her and with her being pregnant. It makes me sick to my stomach.
FUCK
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Holy shit i have been so busy lately that i feel like i haven't even had time to breathe.
I feel like i have made some progress though.
but tonight was bad though. A was supposed to call me when i got off work at 530 so i could get my computer back and do my work, but he never called. He doesn't have a cell phone so there really isn't any way to get a hold of him. So i called his house and talked to al and he said that A wasn't there but my computer was..... i know that he has to take care of his mom and everything, but when i let him borrow my computer for like the whole day, it would at least be nice to have him give it back to me on time. But al was there and he said that he would bring it out to me if i wanted to drive over (because of course i am not allowed in his house..) so i did. My car doesn't have any gas so i took my mom's. I was in his parking lot waiting for al to come down, and i was A's car pull in. He slowed down by my car, pulled into a parking spot for like three seconds and then pulled back out and drove off. i know he saw me. he then called me about 2 min later to ask if that was me... i said it was. he told me that he was WITH AJ'S MOM. it felt like he had just punched me in the stomach and slapped me in the face at the same time. i know that i shouldn't, and that he is just being a good dad, but holy shit i don't want him hanging out with her. it makes me feel horrible that he is going to have a relationship with another woman for the rest of his life whether he likes it or not, as long as he has aj he has to deal with her. honestly that is kind of threatening. i mean, the mother of his child is a pretty big role to play. i know that im jealous. i know why he didn't stop and say hi to me, because SHE was with him. that makes me want to cry. how do i know how long he has been with her tonight. how do i know everything that they have been doing. i mean, having a child with someone is a pretty strong bond. i obviously don't have that bond with anyone. i feel like im going to fucking throw up.
I know that i need to get over myself and realize that this relationship isn't all about my feelings and my problems. I doubt that A wanted to go to the doctor with her, but how do i know that he didn't have a good time. And that bitch can go into his house anytime she wants. She will always have access to him and his family. GOD DAMMIT.
it really fucking bugs me that he has such strong obligations to his mother, and to exclusivly obey every order that she dictates. i mean, he wants to move out, he is almost 21 years old, and he has a child. by most peoples standard he is a concious decision making adult that is responsible. he shouldn't have to ask his mom if he can move out. or lie about it and get an apartment anyway and still spend time at her house. God and it hurts my feelings so much that she won't allow me in her house and A doesn't even do anything about it. yeah he has snuck me in, but he doesn't like tell her that im important in his life and stand up for me. idk.
i feel really depressed right now. i feel like i am sharing A with two other women. women who are VERY important in his life and i feel alot less important than them. one is his mother, and the other is the mother of his child.
he keeps talking about valentines day and what he is going to do for me and that i need to make a list of my favorite wine, and chocolate and flower. and my fantasy of what my ideal valentines day would be.
god i just can't get my mind around the fact that he was with her tonight. what if she tried to make a move. what if she and him actually got along. what if he thinks that she is prettier than me or that she is in some way better than me?? What the fuck. He needs to put himself in my shoes.
What if i had a little boy with another man and i didn't always tell him about my dealings with him. (and i still remember the day when i saw the number on his phone number on his cell and he TOTALLY lied about who it was, he said that it was one of his old coaches. i later found out that the number was aj's moms house number... kinda weird..) What if he had borrowed something that he needed, and then went to my house to get it and i pulled up with my son's father in the car, saw him and drove off. then called him and asked me if that was me?? and then confessed that i was with my sons dad and had been for god knows how long.
FUCK
I LOVE HIM BUT THIS IS HORRIBLE
I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE IN HER COMPANY FOR A LONG PERIOD UNLESS I AM THERE TOO!!!
is that selfish??
or realistic??
I feel like i have made some progress though.
but tonight was bad though. A was supposed to call me when i got off work at 530 so i could get my computer back and do my work, but he never called. He doesn't have a cell phone so there really isn't any way to get a hold of him. So i called his house and talked to al and he said that A wasn't there but my computer was..... i know that he has to take care of his mom and everything, but when i let him borrow my computer for like the whole day, it would at least be nice to have him give it back to me on time. But al was there and he said that he would bring it out to me if i wanted to drive over (because of course i am not allowed in his house..) so i did. My car doesn't have any gas so i took my mom's. I was in his parking lot waiting for al to come down, and i was A's car pull in. He slowed down by my car, pulled into a parking spot for like three seconds and then pulled back out and drove off. i know he saw me. he then called me about 2 min later to ask if that was me... i said it was. he told me that he was WITH AJ'S MOM. it felt like he had just punched me in the stomach and slapped me in the face at the same time. i know that i shouldn't, and that he is just being a good dad, but holy shit i don't want him hanging out with her. it makes me feel horrible that he is going to have a relationship with another woman for the rest of his life whether he likes it or not, as long as he has aj he has to deal with her. honestly that is kind of threatening. i mean, the mother of his child is a pretty big role to play. i know that im jealous. i know why he didn't stop and say hi to me, because SHE was with him. that makes me want to cry. how do i know how long he has been with her tonight. how do i know everything that they have been doing. i mean, having a child with someone is a pretty strong bond. i obviously don't have that bond with anyone. i feel like im going to fucking throw up.
I know that i need to get over myself and realize that this relationship isn't all about my feelings and my problems. I doubt that A wanted to go to the doctor with her, but how do i know that he didn't have a good time. And that bitch can go into his house anytime she wants. She will always have access to him and his family. GOD DAMMIT.
it really fucking bugs me that he has such strong obligations to his mother, and to exclusivly obey every order that she dictates. i mean, he wants to move out, he is almost 21 years old, and he has a child. by most peoples standard he is a concious decision making adult that is responsible. he shouldn't have to ask his mom if he can move out. or lie about it and get an apartment anyway and still spend time at her house. God and it hurts my feelings so much that she won't allow me in her house and A doesn't even do anything about it. yeah he has snuck me in, but he doesn't like tell her that im important in his life and stand up for me. idk.
i feel really depressed right now. i feel like i am sharing A with two other women. women who are VERY important in his life and i feel alot less important than them. one is his mother, and the other is the mother of his child.
he keeps talking about valentines day and what he is going to do for me and that i need to make a list of my favorite wine, and chocolate and flower. and my fantasy of what my ideal valentines day would be.
god i just can't get my mind around the fact that he was with her tonight. what if she tried to make a move. what if she and him actually got along. what if he thinks that she is prettier than me or that she is in some way better than me?? What the fuck. He needs to put himself in my shoes.
What if i had a little boy with another man and i didn't always tell him about my dealings with him. (and i still remember the day when i saw the number on his phone number on his cell and he TOTALLY lied about who it was, he said that it was one of his old coaches. i later found out that the number was aj's moms house number... kinda weird..) What if he had borrowed something that he needed, and then went to my house to get it and i pulled up with my son's father in the car, saw him and drove off. then called him and asked me if that was me?? and then confessed that i was with my sons dad and had been for god knows how long.
FUCK
I LOVE HIM BUT THIS IS HORRIBLE
I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE IN HER COMPANY FOR A LONG PERIOD UNLESS I AM THERE TOO!!!
is that selfish??
or realistic??
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Wow... why do I make to-do lists if I can never get them done!!
I am really not doing well financially right now. I am not making enough to pay my bills. hopefully next month my bill to BB will go back down to 11$. then i think i would be ok. I need to make some phone calls tomorrow though. i need to call the lawfirm representing WM and tell them that i am not going to be able to make my payment on time, and that it's comming but it is going to be a little late. I also need to send in my bb payment. I can't believe i forgot again to return the movies! i am going to have to ask my mom to do it or something. i am not going to have time to return them tomorrow, and i have orientation on tuesday. god i can't wait for my student loan money to come through. i am can't spend that much of it, cuz i need it to pay for summer classes. but yeah, it will help TREMENDOUSLY with my stress level, cuz i can pay all my bills!!
A and i really need to work on saving our money though. like on Friday night we didn't end up going to the movie, but we still both spent like 20$ for a night in with rented movies. we could have saved that movie and spend half that much. idk it just seems like we will never get an apartment together. We are always talking about it but we can never seem to save any money. So its like it will never happen. I have been wanting my own place ever since I moved back from indiana. I knew N was a dead end road in my heart, but i think that i was afraid to be lonely. but i felt so trapped and almost oppressed when i was with him. i was also in a dazed stupor the whole time cuz i was fucked up all the time.
i feel like i can never get all the things that i want done in a day. i make all these plans for things that i need to do, and although i do get (sometimes) most of the things on my list done, i can never seem to get all of them done. maybe its the same principal with wilpf, that we always think we can do more than we can actually do. if only i didn't need to sleep
A and i really need to work on saving our money though. like on Friday night we didn't end up going to the movie, but we still both spent like 20$ for a night in with rented movies. we could have saved that movie and spend half that much. idk it just seems like we will never get an apartment together. We are always talking about it but we can never seem to save any money. So its like it will never happen. I have been wanting my own place ever since I moved back from indiana. I knew N was a dead end road in my heart, but i think that i was afraid to be lonely. but i felt so trapped and almost oppressed when i was with him. i was also in a dazed stupor the whole time cuz i was fucked up all the time.
i feel like i can never get all the things that i want done in a day. i make all these plans for things that i need to do, and although i do get (sometimes) most of the things on my list done, i can never seem to get all of them done. maybe its the same principal with wilpf, that we always think we can do more than we can actually do. if only i didn't need to sleep
Saturday, January 24, 2009
So I got into a huge fight with A last night. I thought that I was going to loose him. I was so scared, I had a panic attack. It was crazy. I really don't want to be without him. He is such an amazing man, not to mention a wonderful father. I feel so lucky to have him in my life, and I'm not ready to go through my days without him. AGHH sometimes men can bring you so much joy and happiness, but sometimes so much pain.
But I do really love him. I'm not sure if that is even the word for what I feel for him. It is more than that, but he is right that last night i should have just done what he asked me to do and go to that movie. He had such a bad day, and i just made it worse.
We got to the movie theatre and he didn't like what i was wearing, i was really embarrassed by the way he was looking at me and by what he was saying so i told him that i wore that to see what he would say. idk i just said it because i was so embarrassed. turned out to totally come back and bite me in the ass.
He got REALLY mad when i told him that i wore that outfit to see what he would say, and wanted me to take him home. i was not expecting that reaction at all. He has always told me that when he is done with a relationship he says "peace" and never looks back. So last night i drove him home, and i parked in the lot. i was crying of course! but i was pretty much begging him not to leave me. it took me more than a half hour to convince him to give me another chance. But i couldn't believe that he would be so quick to just throw away everything that we have built together. I was astounded. I knew that me looking cute was important to him, but to break up with me because i was wearing something that he didn't like?? to be honest i think that it was more about the principal rather than the reality. He does so much for me, and he had a HORRIBLE day dealing with a's mom. I really fucked up and didn't help but made it worse. I know that and i feel really bad about it.
but yeah, after begging him to not leave me and to give me a chance to show him that i can do things for him too, he said in a really quiet voice, "you got your chance". I WAS SO HAPPY! he has told me so many times that if he ever says that its over, there is nothing that i could say or do to get him back. he said it was over like 20 times last night , but we are still together today!!!!!! i feel like i have won!!! ha ha ha. so after i got my chance =) we went to blockbuster and rented a bunch of movies and just had a movie night at home. I felt really emotionally drained though. i poured my heart out. lol in the car before he forgave me i kept getting rejected. I kept telling him that i wanted him in my life and that i couldn't let him walk out of my life. but he just kept saying like, well i don't want you, and sorry but no and shit along those lines... but I WON lol. its not a matter of winner or loser individually. love won
Moving on to something totally different...
in the history of our country, our system of government(and the government itself) conducted a genocide of the indigenous people who first lived here, enslaved a race of people, and undertaken countless other horrific actions against its own people as well as people abroad. Even though I am SOOO skeptical of governments all over the world, especially this one, I am glad of the things that our new president has already done. He has signed an order to shut down Guantanamo Bay and all other CIA prisons worldwide! Hell yeah! I'm impressed that on his first day he has already taken a huge step to making our world/country a better place and safer as well.
Also,
He has signed an executive order that taxpayer money can fund sex education programs that talk about abortion!! Big step for the next generation of young women!
But I do really love him. I'm not sure if that is even the word for what I feel for him. It is more than that, but he is right that last night i should have just done what he asked me to do and go to that movie. He had such a bad day, and i just made it worse.
We got to the movie theatre and he didn't like what i was wearing, i was really embarrassed by the way he was looking at me and by what he was saying so i told him that i wore that to see what he would say. idk i just said it because i was so embarrassed. turned out to totally come back and bite me in the ass.
He got REALLY mad when i told him that i wore that outfit to see what he would say, and wanted me to take him home. i was not expecting that reaction at all. He has always told me that when he is done with a relationship he says "peace" and never looks back. So last night i drove him home, and i parked in the lot. i was crying of course! but i was pretty much begging him not to leave me. it took me more than a half hour to convince him to give me another chance. But i couldn't believe that he would be so quick to just throw away everything that we have built together. I was astounded. I knew that me looking cute was important to him, but to break up with me because i was wearing something that he didn't like?? to be honest i think that it was more about the principal rather than the reality. He does so much for me, and he had a HORRIBLE day dealing with a's mom. I really fucked up and didn't help but made it worse. I know that and i feel really bad about it.
but yeah, after begging him to not leave me and to give me a chance to show him that i can do things for him too, he said in a really quiet voice, "you got your chance". I WAS SO HAPPY! he has told me so many times that if he ever says that its over, there is nothing that i could say or do to get him back. he said it was over like 20 times last night , but we are still together today!!!!!! i feel like i have won!!! ha ha ha. so after i got my chance =) we went to blockbuster and rented a bunch of movies and just had a movie night at home. I felt really emotionally drained though. i poured my heart out. lol in the car before he forgave me i kept getting rejected. I kept telling him that i wanted him in my life and that i couldn't let him walk out of my life. but he just kept saying like, well i don't want you, and sorry but no and shit along those lines... but I WON lol. its not a matter of winner or loser individually. love won
Moving on to something totally different...
in the history of our country, our system of government(and the government itself) conducted a genocide of the indigenous people who first lived here, enslaved a race of people, and undertaken countless other horrific actions against its own people as well as people abroad. Even though I am SOOO skeptical of governments all over the world, especially this one, I am glad of the things that our new president has already done. He has signed an order to shut down Guantanamo Bay and all other CIA prisons worldwide! Hell yeah! I'm impressed that on his first day he has already taken a huge step to making our world/country a better place and safer as well.
Also,
He has signed an executive order that taxpayer money can fund sex education programs that talk about abortion!! Big step for the next generation of young women!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
#1... hopefully not the last!
So this is the first blog that I have ever done. As a matter of fact, this is my very first post. Not quite sure what to write about right now.
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