Holy shit i have been so busy lately that i feel like i haven't even had time to breathe.

I feel like i have made some progress though.

but tonight was bad though. A was supposed to call me when i got off work at 530 so i could get my computer back and do my work, but he never called. He doesn't have a cell phone so there really isn't any way to get a hold of him. So i called his house and talked to al and he said that A wasn't there but my computer was..... i know that he has to take care of his mom and everything, but when i let him borrow my computer for like the whole day, it would at least be nice to have him give it back to me on time. But al was there and he said that he would bring it out to me if i wanted to drive over (because of course i am not allowed in his house..) so i did. My car doesn't have any gas so i took my mom's. I was in his parking lot waiting for al to come down, and i was A's car pull in. He slowed down by my car, pulled into a parking spot for like three seconds and then pulled back out and drove off. i know he saw me. he then called me about 2 min later to ask if that was me... i said it was. he told me that he was WITH AJ'S MOM. it felt like he had just punched me in the stomach and slapped me in the face at the same time. i know that i shouldn't, and that he is just being a good dad, but holy shit i don't want him hanging out with her. it makes me feel horrible that he is going to have a relationship with another woman for the rest of his life whether he likes it or not, as long as he has aj he has to deal with her. honestly that is kind of threatening. i mean, the mother of his child is a pretty big role to play. i know that im jealous. i know why he didn't stop and say hi to me, because SHE was with him. that makes me want to cry. how do i know how long he has been with her tonight. how do i know everything that they have been doing. i mean, having a child with someone is a pretty strong bond. i obviously don't have that bond with anyone. i feel like im going to fucking throw up.

I know that i need to get over myself and realize that this relationship isn't all about my feelings and my problems. I doubt that A wanted to go to the doctor with her, but how do i know that he didn't have a good time. And that bitch can go into his house anytime she wants. She will always have access to him and his family. GOD DAMMIT.

it really fucking bugs me that he has such strong obligations to his mother, and to exclusivly obey every order that she dictates. i mean, he wants to move out, he is almost 21 years old, and he has a child. by most peoples standard he is a concious decision making adult that is responsible. he shouldn't have to ask his mom if he can move out. or lie about it and get an apartment anyway and still spend time at her house. God and it hurts my feelings so much that she won't allow me in her house and A doesn't even do anything about it. yeah he has snuck me in, but he doesn't like tell her that im important in his life and stand up for me. idk.

i feel really depressed right now. i feel like i am sharing A with two other women. women who are VERY important in his life and i feel alot less important than them. one is his mother, and the other is the mother of his child.

he keeps talking about valentines day and what he is going to do for me and that i need to make a list of my favorite wine, and chocolate and flower. and my fantasy of what my ideal valentines day would be.

god i just can't get my mind around the fact that he was with her tonight. what if she tried to make a move. what if she and him actually got along. what if he thinks that she is prettier than me or that she is in some way better than me?? What the fuck. He needs to put himself in my shoes.

What if i had a little boy with another man and i didn't always tell him about my dealings with him. (and i still remember the day when i saw the number on his phone number on his cell and he TOTALLY lied about who it was, he said that it was one of his old coaches. i later found out that the number was aj's moms house number... kinda weird..) What if he had borrowed something that he needed, and then went to my house to get it and i pulled up with my son's father in the car, saw him and drove off. then called him and asked me if that was me?? and then confessed that i was with my sons dad and had been for god knows how long.

FUCK

I LOVE HIM BUT THIS IS HORRIBLE
I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE IN HER COMPANY FOR A LONG PERIOD UNLESS I AM THERE TOO!!!

is that selfish??
or realistic??